In the midst of all that has been going on this past year with college, family, and friendships, I lost sight of the most important thing in my life, my faith. I know, it happens to all of us, but those who come out of the downward spiral with a lesson are truly learning from God, and trust me, I’ve learned a lesson, hopefully you will too.
So where do I start, well, how about at square one: The fall from Faith.
It all happened so fast, just a blur in my life. Months ago is when I let go, but just now I find myself looking up a mountainside, attempting to climb back up, this time, climbing the right way. The fall was quick, painless, and ended with a crash. A few bones were broken, and my heart, well, that’s another story…my heart was shattered. Through the tears in my eyes I was able to see the severity of my fall. I looked down and realized I was at rock bottom, when I looked up, I saw no footholes, nothing to hold onto. I realized I needed a harness, and in that, someone to guide me back up. That someone, was God.
So how did I fall? What pushed me off? Well, in all honesty, I jumped. I made the conscious decision to choose friends, family, and worldly things over God. I noticed when I was falling, and I contemplated asking God for help, but I was mad at Him; I was mad at Him for letting me fall, for allowing me to jump off. I guess free will requires responsibility, no?
Fast forward; now I’m looking at the ground head on. I see what is coming, and all I can ask for is a quick fix. “God, please make things better, make this go away, make this (insert personal wish here).” All I wanted was Him to pull me out, I didn’t want to work, I didn’t want Him in my life. I wanted God to be my genie, my lottery ticket. I prayed for selfish ambitions, and meanwhile, those selfish ambitions were dragging me down deeper; with friends, with family, with life…
Now, let’s look at just before the fall; I start wagering with God. We’ve all been there, right? “God, if you let me get out of this I’ll ________.” Looking back on this, I realize how stupid I was, how stupid the mind is. My selfish ambitions are trying to save my skin, and because of that, I’m wagering with the one who made me, who has paved a path for me. I was seeking myself first, not the kingdom; Jesus wants us to seek first the kingdom, then all these things will be given. It was quite clear that I wanted things, in spite of who I’d hurt to get them, and God clearly had other plans for my life.
The Fall: Splat. Plain and simple. I landed and didn’t bounce. I stuck, and it stuck me. I hit rock bottom, and I didn’t know which way was up. My ambitions told me I didn’t need God, I didn’t need His help. In a loud voice, they masked the small whisper that Elijah heard in the cave, I blocked the whisper, I denied the voice of God, and by doing that, I ruined everything in my life.
The Stand: So now I stand up, but not for long. I’m my knees sobbing. I don’t know where I am, who I am, or what I’m doing. I’m lost, hungry, thirsty, and confused. I am hurting because I jumped, and I know things aren’t where they need to be. Then, God speaks; simple words that I don’t even understand come across my heart. I find myself on my feet, and I find myself walking. The sunlight shines on my wounds, which quickly turn to scars, and as I look at each scar, I remember all of those whom I’ve hurt on the way down, and all the opportunities I have missed. Each scar speaks to me, and I’m overwhelmed. Then I look up and see a rope. It comes tumbling down. I can’t see who is at the top, but I make out a figure, one of strength, one of fortitude, one of trust.
The Climb: I can’t say too much on this topic because this is where I am, I am just now taking the rope and fastening it to my harness. I fell, and fell hard, but God has given me the ability to stand back up. I’m just now realizing the person I’ve been, and each scar reminds me of the poor choices I’ve made. Now however, I realize that God doesn’t believe in fast faith. He won’t give you what you want, when you want it. He makes you work, and in that, you will learn more than ever before. It is painful, it is hurting, but in the end, it is enlightening. We cannot focus on the fall, but rather the climb back up. It takes work, but God gives you people in your life to climb back up with, and on your climb back up, He throws other people on the cliff to cheer you on. If you’ve hurt someone, He reminds you of it, but He also allows you to make it right, and grow deeper with them. The most important thing is that as we climb back up, we focus on Him. We need to be Peter when he stepped from the boat.
Seek first the kingdom, and things will follow. Seeking takes time, and work, but in the end, it will be more valuable than any other worldly outcome.
Chris Kordick
