It’s funny because the other day I remember how one of my teachers would have her class do a “brain dump” before writing papers. Well, I can say that I learned something in that class, but something totally different; this is more of a “heart dump…”
I don’t know who is reading this, but I do know that it’s not by mistake. If you’re reading this right now, there’s a reason for it, a reason I’m writing this, and a reason you just so happened to click the link to my page. If it’s for the same reason I’m writing this, I pray that we both have the strength to come through a new person.
So it begins, that warm sunny day that is life…well, that is the beginning of a test; more like an exam if you really want the truth. Am I being over dramatic, yes, but am I being honest in my words…yes. I never thought I’d have something this hard, this challenging, and this overtaking. My brothers and sisters, I know you also have the same test, the same feeling. It may not be on the same level as mine, it may even be worse, but I know you understand.
What I’m talking about is forgetting. It’s quite simple really; on all aspects of life, we forget. We forget to pray, do our homework, brush our teeth; it just happens. For me however, it’s more of a forgetful streak. Just as a crumbled wall falls, or one domino knocks the rest, many angles of my life have seem to tumble lately.
So back to that one day, that one day when that one sin starting showing more and more, like superman’s kryptonite, it lives in me and it always will. It’s the day I let my guard down, when I took my eyes of the prize, when I lost focus. That focus I lost seems next to me and far from me at the same time; that focus was my peace, my patience, and my power; that focus was God.
It didn’t all happen at once, it was more of a sand clock. Grain by grain, each part of life taking a new path, each thought having a new perspective. Slowly, God became less and less of my life until I didn’t realize I wasn’t praying regularly anymore. When I realized that, it was denial; denial that I let myself become the person I promised God I’d never be. It became shame; shame that I was living and am still living a double life. It became hurt; it hurt that I was so far from the Rock that held me close and provided shelter. Most of all however, it caused confusion.
This confusion, good or bad, I have felt for so long now. I know exactly how to be a Christian; I have been one for most of my life and rededicated myself last year. I know what it’s like to experience God, and I know what it’s like to be disciplined. The question I find myself asking day in and day out is why don’t I take action, initiative, or do something to fix what I’ve started. I realize that no one is too far-gone, and that every walk has its ups and downs, but I won’t move from that trench. It’s like I’m sitting, watching the people go by because I don’t want to experience life.
Experiencing life, what a challenge, what a test, what a feeling. So now I sit here and ask myself, am I scared to experience life? Do I sit in that trough because I’m too chicken to get out and get dirty in the ways that God called me to do? Life’s about discipline, a discipline that few people truly understand. Day in and day out Jesus was disciplined. He knew his calling, He knew His path, He knew who He was, and He knew what He was supposed to be doing personally. Most importantly however, He acted on His knowledge. Not once did he fail to pray in the garden, or humble Himself before someone else. He is the King of the Universe, and yet we find him humble enough to submit to someone else.
So that brings me to humility. Those who talk the talk but fail to walk realize it all. Some people call it karma; I call it God. The struggles in our life are for reasons, maybe mine is to teach humility.
“A proud man I am indeed, I’ve fallen weak in the knees. Hard to walk I have to lean, forced to crawl, I cannot be. ” -Anonymous.
That rings so many bells in my head, so many flags wave, so many sirens blow. Walk the walk, and just shut up. Being real is better than talking anyway. A wise person once told me this, “The people close to you realize when you screw up a lot faster than you do. You’ve screwed up, I get it.”
So I guess what I’m getting to in this 842 word heart dump is this. The next time you see my page, or see me in the hall, ask me how my walk is going, and tell me to shut up. It doesn’t matter who you are, or what you do, we’re all in this together.
One of my favorite verses is a Proverb.
“Discipline is harsh for the one who leaves the path; the one who hates correction will die.” Proverbs 15:10
Chris Kordick
